Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
