literally had 100 drinks last night.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
