Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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