Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
