I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
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