Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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