So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
