I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
