I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
