it was like eating out sand paper
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
