During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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