i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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