Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
me + whiskey = a bad person
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
