she was so not down for the gang bang
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
