So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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