it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
