Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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