Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You may now shotgun with the bride
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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