i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
