Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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