shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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