I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
