I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
