u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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