I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
