we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
