You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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