I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
