Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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