On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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