and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
