How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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