I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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