Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
