I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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