i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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