After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
