The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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