Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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