Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
