Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
