Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Oh god it's open bar.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
