Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
