I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
