Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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