We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
