Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
