Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
