the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
