so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
