Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
