you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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