dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
