i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
