I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
