Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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