You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
What drink are we having for lunch?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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