I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
